Blogging for the Right Reasons? (Our Bachelor Predictions)
The Bachelor, Episode 1 recap. Our final four and top-two predictions!
The moment I saw the sloth claw work its way out of the limo, I knew we were in for a fun time.
Let me just say for the record, I know this show is crazy. I know its spinoff shows are crazy. Self-awareness is not missing from my frontal cortex. Mostly.
I can’t help it, though. I love it all. It’s delicious. From fake Australian accents down to our dearly beloved Chris Harrison’s mother. What. A. Ride.
My husband, I discovered, is on board, too. This show is like mini-marriage counseling because, well, it makes us super thankful that we found each other at church and not on national television.
After the end of summer and subsequently the end of Bachelor in Paradise, Monday nights have been rather slow at the Tubbs house.
But now we’re back, we’re popping champagne, and staying up to 11 o’clock on a work night because this (claps) is (claps) important (claps).
Maybe in the future, we’ll give live-blogging a try during one of the episodes. We’ll call it #TeleTubbs. For now, here are a few that come to mind the day after:
-Maybe stay away from using handcuffs in the fantasy suite. That’s more of an intermediate/expert-level frolicking that we’re just not prepared for. It’s like when Becca said Colton knew how to “work his conch,” when it’s clear he so does not. Ick.
-Can a woman pop a man’s cherry? Don’t think too hard on…nevermind.
-Sloth costumes - no matter how dedicated you are to the character - sadly, do not pay off. He was a good sport about it, though.
-Fake butterflies? Yep. Fake butterflies. In no way, other than in an Elizabethian film, would a man ever pick one up off of the ground and put it in his coat pocket.
-These are the tiniest fairy princess women I’ve ever seen. I feel like an ogre with my brunette hair melting into the couch in my sweatpants and sports bra.
-When does “stealing” become stalking? And why am I so creeped out?
-Why aren’t these women standing up to the stealer/stalker? If someone interrupts my shoe painting, I’m going to firmly suggest she move along.
Here are the #TeleTubbs predictions for Colton on this, the 23rd season of the Bachelor:
The Dark Horse We Will All Be Confused He Keeps Around:
Elyse - Couldn’t get a good read on her, but she was pretty prominently featured in the previews.
My favorites to watch out for:
Katie
Erika - Her “maybe I should’ve brought more than a bag of nuts” had me laughing hard. I liked her until she asked about his virginity in their first convo. But she seems like she’d down for a good time.
Onyeka - She’s so pretty.
Kirpa - She’s so genuine, but I believe this show will eat her alive.
Most Likely to Get Her Heart Broken Big Time:
Hannah B. - Sorry #RollTide, I don’t think you’ll make it to the fantasy suites.
Heather
Nicole
Sydney - Who I shall refer to as #BabyBecca
Most Drama
Demi
Hannah B.
Alex B.
Nicole
Most Meltowns
Caitlin
Tracy
Already tired of and wished the producers would let us part ways because they are TROUBLE:
Demi - I don’t know what Dukes of Hazard planet she spawned from but she GOTS TA GO!
Catherine - I don’t think she’ll make it much further because #ratings - she’ll stay long enough to create some drama in the mansion and then make a fabulous Paradise contestant. She is the female Jordan without the redeeming adorable qualities we all came to eventually love.
Tracy - If I ever learned anything from How I Met Your Mother it’s watch out for the crazy eyes.
Heather - Is it even legal for a 15-year-old to compete on this show?
Alex B. - My spidey senses say that with great gorgeousness comes a great domineering personality.
My Final Four:
Miss North Carolina
Cassie
Hannah G. - Anyone else very surprised she got the first impression rose? I could not get a good read on her.
Katie - I’ve gone back and forth on this too many times. She’s a phenomenal person and I love her. She’d make a great Bachelorette contestant as well.
Runner Up - Erika
Final Rose Ceremony Will Be Between:
Miss North Carolina and Cassie
Miss North Carolina - Gorgeous, seems well-rounded and I was very impressed that she didn’t come in touting that Coloton had kissed her. I was very surprised she didn’t receive the first impression rose. I think she’s going all the way. She’s competed in pageants and knows how to keep the peace while keeping an eye on the prize.
Cassie - Her work with kids will win him over. I think she’ll make a great Bachelorette. She may be too sweet to make it to the final round.
Runner Up - Erika
At current, I’m going all in on Miss North Carolina. Gordon is all in for Cassie. Loser buys the other dinner at our favorite restaurant and drives so the winner can bask in margaritas and gorge on queso dip.
And if both of our predictions are dead wrong? Well. We’ll just go on a date night anyway.
What do you think of our predictions? Did we get it right? Are we crazy for watching the show?